Hi I'm Jackie, and I am an Introvert...

Sometimes being an introvert can feel like a disease or a mental disorder. Especially for me. I grew up in a large family. I love having six other siblings and two loving parents. How I became an introvert? I have no clue. What I do know is that I cant change it. No matter how hard I try to engage in social activities, there will always be this yearning to be alone, in solitude, with a good book, or my own thoughts. But being surrounded by so many extraverted people, I sometimes cannot help but feel like a misfit. When I am in large groups I feel most alone. I hate it when my own thoughts are muffled by the sound of small talk. I'm not shy, or depressed, or mad at the world. It's just when I am alone and left up to my own devices, well things begin to spark, and my imagination sort of just runs wild. I get all these ideas and I feel so stimulated. It is when I am in solitude that I am most inspired to create, to write, and to just be me. Perhaps the hardest part about being an introvert is maintaining relationships. Being alone becomes habit. It becomes a way of life. It becomes an addiction. I'm always looking for a place to hide be it my bedroom, my car, a good book, and most often inside my own head. Once I shared a one bedroom apartment with an ex boyfriend and I used to hide out in the bathroom. What has helped most is gaining understanding about my own introverted tendencies and allowing myself that time to be alone. I have realized that when I do not adhere to those needs, I often take it out on other people or go on introverted binges, not engaging socially with people for days at a time. Regardless of the disadvantages of being an introvert, it has taken me far in my life and it is a large part of who I am as a person. I try and take the advice of successful introverts like Susan Cain, “Don’t think of introversion as something that needs to be cured…Spend your free time the way you like, not the way you think you’re supposed to". And when I read things like “I’ll be honest with you, I’m a little bit of a loner. It’s been a big part of my maturing process to learn to allow people to support me. I tend to be very self-reliant and private. And I have this history of wanting to work things out on my own and protect people from what’s going on with me.” by the lovely Kerry Washington, I'm reminded that I may be alone, but I'm in good company. Hi I am Jackie, and I'm an introvert.

Three Things I Wished More Americans Cared About

(Stepping up on my soap box)

1. Capitalism: The issue I have with Capitalism is that in order for it to operate effectively, poverty must exist. There has to be a class of people will do anything to survive, i.e. the men and women around the world who work 12-14 hr shifts in sweatshops that pay less than $2 an hour just to provide for their families. There has got to be a better way. What are these people seeking to gain anyway. Studies have proven over and over again, a significant increase in wealth does not equal a significant increase in happiness. So what's it really all about? Why do millions have to starve so that thousands can be extremely wealthy. My guess is that those millions starving are still probably more satisfied with their overall quality of life than these elite groups of wealthy people who are still walking around quoting Machiavelli. And then there's the middle class, who just shut up and color. Were not starving physically, but were too damn distracted to even consider there might be more to this life than working a 9-5 Monday through Friday, and spending more time trying to be entertained then engaging with our own families. The sad thing with Capitalism is that nobody really wins. The rich will always want more, the poor will continue to suffer, and the middle class will always find ways to distract themselves from these harsh realities.

2. Food: Why must I experience severe anxiety every time I take a trip to the grocery store? How come every time I research the topic, there's another unknown chemical being put in our food, and not just the processed foods, but out fruits and vegetables too? I'll tell you why...Capitalism. They alter our foods so that they can have longer shelf lives, be produced more rapidly, and cost less to produce. Why? Because it's all about making a profit. Nobody cares that were out here successfully inventing new physical illnesses each year. We spend tons of money on research to cure all these diseases, but I bet if we started with the food and drug industry we wouldn't have to spend another dime. Not only are these foods killing us, but they're also making us stupid. Don't believe me, do the research.

3. The Exploitation of Women: Today I saw three posts on social media advertising the new Grand Theft Auto game. What I didn't understand, is what a blonde girl in a bikini had anything to do with a car racing game. Although I am grateful for those women who fought for us to have the same rights as men, I cant help but think it was all in vain. Women today, especially of my generation, appear to be completely content with being objectified. Matter a fact, we do it to ourselves. In school I am told over and over again, embrace change, embrace technology, don't fall behind. So I have a twitter, a facebook, and an instagram page. But all I see is the same thing over and over and over again; Women posting pictures of themselves, with excessive amounts of makeup, and revealing clothing, and men posting often derogatory comments in response. Some women don't even put on clothes to post these pictures. They are perfectly comfortable putting nude pictures on social media. I completely understand what it feels like to want to get dressed up and be pretty and feel sexy. But when women continue to post half naked and completely naked pictures for the entertainment and approval of men, we are sending a message to the world. Women are for entertainment. They are to be seen not heard. They don't respect themselves so we shouldn't respect them either. We already have playboy, porn, and Hollywood to portray us as uneducated, simple minded, man chasing, attention seeking, and catty. By hopping on the bandwagon we are setting ourselves waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy back.

(off my soap box)

An Irrational Fear of Good People

I'm not a very religious person, but I do find that there are many philosophical truths in the Bible. One is the idea that fear is the opposite of love. John 1 4:18 says "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love". Today I came across a posting on FB of a little girl who was missing. The snapshot was a repost from Instagram that contained very little information about the little girl. It was simply a post from her mother who was frustrated and venting about the lack of support she was receiving from the media to help find her daughter. I usually repost these pictures right away, put instead I decided to look at the comments, curious to find out more information. What I found was that many people were curious like me. After reading a few nasty comments from people who claimed this was a scam, I came across a comment with a link to the actual news story. Turns out this was not a scam and this little girl really was missing, in fact she ran away which is why there was not as much publicity surrounding the story.

Then I started thinking, what if I had not found the link? Would I still have shared the post? What is it about other people potentially getting over on us that makes us so afraid and closes our hearts to others. Why do we need to have all the facts before reposting a picture of a missing child? And why does doubt seem to overpower good will? Do we really want to risk a child's life on the word of a few pessimists who believe everything on the internet is a scam? Has the media put so much fear in our hearts that we are that untrusting of one another. And so what if it was a scam, would I have taken a lost? I believe this is the same thinking that prevents us from lending a stranger a dollar, donating to a just cause, or engaging in other acts of kindness. How many times have you actually been scammed out of your money by someone other than a business trying to sell you a product you don't need? And if you have, how traumatic of an impact was that on your life? I can't recall any that I know of.

Early March of last year a video bringing awareness to the Invisible Children Campaign, which called for the arrest of Lords Resistance Army leader Joseph Kony, went viral receiving over 98 million views. It was obvious that people were moved by this film and in turn wanted to help. Then there were the pessimists, who fought long and hard to destroy the reputation of these activists whose intentions in my eyes were very clear. Call me naïve. What I do know, is that the more the pessimists fought, the more people began to doubt. And before you knew it, no one was even talking about it anymore. All people wanted to discuss was the psychotic break the director, Jason Russell, underwent, which his wife claimed was a direct result of all of the criticism and personal attacks he received over the film, which was very near to his heart. I cant help but wonder, what if things had went differently. What if all of us would have put our faith in these men, that they were doing the right thing. The way I see it this could have played out one of two ways. 1. It could have been a scam and we all could have lost the $5-$20 the majority of us may have donated to this cause, and our feelings may have been hurt for about a week. 2. We could have saved thousands of children in Africa from being kidnapped, tortured, raped, turned into sex slaves and child soldiers, and forced to kill their parents and siblings. I for one would risk being made a fool if I could save one child from this awful fate. What about you?

Nothing to do with Fashion or Food

This post has absolutely nothing to do with fashion or food. Tonight I want to talk about cognitive dissonance, I promise this will not be a lecture but more of a story. If you have read any of my prior postings then you know that I recently separated from the military. When I decided to do this I had a solid plan. I wanted to become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (therapist) and treat the mentally ill as well as help others deal with everyday life issues. Having been a mental health technician in the Air Force for six years and loving it, I thought it was my calling. I had been accepted to my number one choice of schools, Howard University, and I was prepared to began my MSW in the fall. Then, on my graduation day for my undergrad, I was speaking to a few of my peers about our future endeavors. They being almost twice my age, were shocked to hear that I was separating from the military. One of them asked my age. I told them I was 23, and as if rehearsed, they all replied simultaneously, "ohhhhhhh". And then one of them said the words that have been haunting me ever since, "Well yea you can do anything, your 23"; as if it were just that simple, but then again it was, that simple. And thus began my journey.

It took me less than two weeks after that to decide I would not be pursing an MSW, but I did want to pursue something and I didn't want to take a break from school. So I decided on an MBA at the school I received my undergraduate degree. An MBA, I thought, would help me to become a great entrepreneur. But what would my business be in? I always enjoyed planning parties, so I took a few summer courses at a local community college in event planning. I even did a month long internship at an event planning firm. And then I thought well I could incorporate catering into my event planning business, because I love to cook, so I looked into culinary arts school; a little too expensive for my budget. Then I became infatuated with thrift shops and the idea of preserving the Earth by upcycling. I even started my own Instagram thrift shop @thriftshopchic! But the fact still remains, I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. One day I want to be a world renown chef, the next an environmental activist encouraging people to thrift or die, and a week later a political activist trying to right all the wrongs of this world.

The thing is, 1. I am stimulated both creatively and intellectually. 2. The level of compassion I possess for mankind is insurmountable, and worst of all, 3. I am not driven by money. For this I blame my parents. As a child I was forced to read and rewarded by trips to the crafts store. My father is the most compassionate, loving human being I know, and I am not driven by money because we never had any, and I still had a great life. Cognitive dissonance is defined as the discomfort experienced when simultaneously holding two or more conflicting cognitions: ideas, beliefs, values or emotional reactions. I feel as if Leon Festinger got into a time machine, traveled into the future, studied my present life, traveled back to the past, and then developed this theory. I feel as if I am always in conflict when trying to figure out what it is I was put on this Earth to do. Am I here to share my creative talents with the world, or to tap into my greatest intellectual abilities, and become an activist and a scholar, changing all of humanity for the better. Maybe it's both. Maybe it's neither. Maybe it's not so much about the destination, but instead the journey. Sometimes I feel as if I am running out of time and I need to figure it out soon, but then I remember that philosophical statement that changed my life forever, "Well yea you can do anything, your 23".

Why I Thrift!

This post was inspired by a question asked by thriftpic.com on their blog recently, "Why do you thrift?". What a great question! Growing up in a family of seven children, six girls and one boy, I almost always wore hand me downs. When my parents could not afford to purchase new school clothes, I could always rely on my sisters to hand me down something fabulous. From a young age I appreciated used clothes. They were new to me, and nobody else in school would look like me. However, I envied the kids with the name brands and the new trends.

As I got older and began purchasing clothing for myself, I became addicted to shopping. It was a way to express myself creatively but it was also a temporary fulfillment that was almost always accompanied by a low. I always felt I needed something new, so I bought it, and then I felt ashamed and unfulfilled, so I bought more. It was a vicious cycle. I used my love for fashion as an excuse to spend irresponsibly and as a result I incurred a significant amount of debt and found myself in need of an alternate solution. For a long time I avoided shopping all together and forbid myself from stepping inside a mall.

I never actually considered shopping at a thrift shop until my friend Sarah and I decided to throw a 90's themed skate party for her 22nd birthday. We visited a few thrift shops to collect our attire. I was immediately hooked. These clothes were not just clothes to me, they were stories. They brought back memories. They represented our history as a country. The patterns, colors, fabrics, and designs all reminded me of the clothing I saw my older siblings wear growing up, the things my parents wore, my teachers, my friends, my favorite TV show characters, and things I wore myself as a kid. They reminded me of holidays, birthdays, school dances, people, places, music, and the list goes on. I am always overwhelmed with nostalgia when I walk into a thrift store. And I am satisfied walking out with only one or two items because its the experience that invigorates me, not the purchases. I am not consumed with shame or guilt after a thrift shop haul, but instead I am inspired by the endless possibilities and the amount of money I saved. I feel responsible and I know that I am doing something good for the planet by not increasing my water footprint, and not supporting sweatshop operated businesses. I thrift because it is who I am, embedded in my fabric, and sewn in my heart.

My Bravest Summer Yet!

I remember being a kid and at the end of every summer expecting some sort of growth be it physically or mentally. For some reason I decided it would be these three months that would mature me the most. Perhaps it was also starting another school year and the fact that my birthday came in the fall. Having now worked every summer since I was 17, this idea seemed to fade away as it no longer seemed to apply to my life. June, July, and August were just like all the other months in the year except on Saturdays and Sundays I occasionally got to frequent the pool, and wear less clothes.

This summer however was a tad bit different. This summer I made perhaps the biggest decision I will ever make in my life, and then I made many other brave decisions. The first big decision I made was to fall in love. I admit I am a hopeless romantic. But falling in love to me has always seemed foolish, dangerous, and unnecessary. I'd spent the last four years of my life dating, and having fun, but I always protected my heart not allowing anyone to get too close, and if they did for some reason, well I found a way to push them away. But this summer I gave myself completely. I gave everything I had. There were moments where I stalled and relapsed into past behaviors, but I always came back a more devoted lover and for that I am proud of myself. The second and most brave thing I did was separate from the military. This had always been the plan for the most part, to separate when my enlistment was up. But it was still very, very scary. I was warned time and time again about the economy, and how there were no jobs. I was told I wouldn't do it and that it was too easy to just stay in. It almost felt as if everyone was either calling my bluff, or calling me stupid. But I did it. I got out. I'm broke. I have no medical insurance, and no idea what the future holds, but I have never felt more alive or more happy. I'm taking a chance at life. The last bravest thing I chose to do this summer is to do what I love and broadcast it to the world. I created something from nothing almost every day this summer. I made food, vases, clothes, bowties, cupcakes, cake pops, and so much more. And then I got on Instagram, and twitter, and Pinterest and Google Plus, and I shared those creations with the world. I even created this blog. And the feedback I have received has been so encouraging. I don't have a ton of followers, or hundreds of likes on my post, but the little praise I do receive inspires me to keep creating. Because there is nothing else I'd rather do with my life than inspire creativity in others.

All in all I'd say this has been the scariest, most adventurous, most relaxing, most inspiring summer I've experienced yet! And if I had to evaluate my growth, I'd say I've grown tremendously. I've learned to embrace change, take risks, and trust in God that everything will be ok. Below are the last pair of shorts I made this summer and they are by far my favorite. I call them my Groovy, Girly, shorts :).